This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Something Saturday.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE