My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.