almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems