“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
hackers play passwordle
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.