Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.