Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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Breaking news:
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
And bowling should be called pinball