A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Mad Max: Furry Road
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.