Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Clients after you give them your rates
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.