GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.