me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..