Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Still a very good boi….
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.