Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
U talkin 2 me?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.