Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
This could’ve been an email.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?