12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Netflix and you sit over there.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right