Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”