I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
Put the is in disheveled
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
dictator is short for richard potato
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes