This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
that lip filler tho
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Just got to our Airbnb!
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Cheers Twitter.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.