[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!