My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x