[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
every single time
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?