Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*