Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.