*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
6. me as a lawyer
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?