Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.