Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!