Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
lost dog
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.