My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Got him!