Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.