I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*