Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You Might Also Like
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
The first matador
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.