Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Never be a pizza!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
this could fix me
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.