Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Cool shirt 🙂
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Morning my dudes.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away