When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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Just so funny
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.