date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.