80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies