The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now