[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
This is enough internet for the day.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Sing it!
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.