[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Okey dokey.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
spicy snake
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Pringles
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.