My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice