Now, where’s the sport in that?
You Might Also Like
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”