My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.