One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber