Nothing.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.