Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.