Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.