I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry