Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
This came to me in a dream.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.