I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.