Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.