I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Strange
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.